It's Better if They Don't Return

Sometimes people who go to a restaurant aren't there for a great meal and atmosphere - they're there for a free meal.

It's true. Not everyone is a good person. There are a few people, albeit only accounting for a very small percentage of people who eat in restaurants, whose main goal is to receive a free meal.

There are several tactics they use to accomplish this insidious goal; but two approaches are apparently the favorites.

One approach is the: "Wait Until it's Too Late Approach."

Thieves, and I call them that because that is what they are in my opinion, will order a typical meal. Most of the time it's a couple rather than a family with a bunch of children. Sometimes I have the impression, although I can't prove it with certainty, that this is premeditated act.

They receive their drinks. They eat their appetizer and salad. I visit the table frequently enough during the entire meal to ensure they are want for nothing. Their entrees come out. After giving them the chance to try their food, I return and ask "How is everything." There are no complaints.

As dinner is wrapping up mission Free Meal begins. The thief will have eaten the majority of their entree. This is an important distinction to make. They've not tried the food and noticed a problem. They've not tried to convince themselves it wasn't that bad and eaten a few bites only to find out the problem is too great to ignore. No. They have eaten nearly the entire meal without so much as whispering a complaint.

I present the check. It's at this moment the thief will say the pasta wasn't good, or the steak was rare and they wanted it medium-well. They want the entree comp'd - that's short for complimentary or free. Sometimes they'll settle for a free desert. They believe that since they've put the server in a situation that can't be fixed the only solution is a free entree.

My response was always: "I'm sorry you didn't like it, but if you had told me before you ate the entire meal I could have done something. I'm sorry." I did my best to not get the manager involved because I knew if that happened then the thief would walk out of the restaurant with Mission Accomplished.

The second approach is much more unpleasant for the waiter. It's the Complain for Comps Approach. With this strategy the waiter can do absolutely nothing right and the thief will do everything in their power to make it difficult to receive good service.

"We've been waiting here for five minutes," they'll start off with despite having just been sat down. I know this because I verify when they were seated with the hostess.

The thief will order drinks and drink them so fast you'd think they were just pouring the drink on the floor. They want it to appear as though their drinks were constantly empty during the meal.

They order their meal. The food is delivered. "Is this the largest baked potato you have back there," one patron asks. "This meat is over cooked," they'll say despite ordering a fillet well done. Etc. Etc. The list goes on. "Why doesn't the restaurant have green onions," demands a customer. "This prime rib is raw," another will insist despite having been explained prior to ordering how the meat is prepared and delivered.

By the time the bill is delivered, these people are almost in a rage. They demand to see the manager. It's the worst service they've ever received in their lives. Etc. Etc.

The manager visits the table and apologizes profusely. "What can we do to make you happy," asks the manager. "I'm so sorry your experience was this bad. Let me take care of your bill."

Mission Accomplished. Now the sharks smell blood in the water and more than one of this type of thief will return and make the same performance for a free meal. We've paid for one person's meal as many as three or four times before they stop coming.

On one such occasion I managed to avoid getting the manager involved. The thief paid for their meal and complained to the hostess saying, "I'll never be back in here again!"

The hostess, not knowing the situation, told the manager what had happened. The manager frantically asked me, "What happened! She's never coming back!"

I reminded the manager, "This lady was in here a few weeks ago. I know because I waited on her and she did the same thing. We paid for her meal that time, but sometimes it's better if they don't come back."

Stop Sucking the Straw

It's a weekend night. Friday or Saturday. I don't remember exactly which night. But I do remember the table with one of the rudest people I ever served.

The scene was Outback Steakhouse. It was the second restaurant I worked as a server. At Outback they train servers to greet the table: "Hi, welcome to Outback. Have you been here before?"

Meanwhile, you're supposed to be either sitting at the table opposite the customer if space allows, or bending down on your knee to be at eye level with the customer. It's supposed to create more of a personal connection with the guest.

It's still early in the shift. The rush hasn't fully hit yet and I'm not in the weeds. (That's server lingo for extremely busy.)

A four-top is sat in my section; that means four people. Two guys and two ladies. More than likely two married couples going out for a fun dinner on the weekend to chit chat it up.

I go through my spiel. "Hi welcome to Outback. Yadda, yadda, yadda. What can I get for you to drink," I ask.

Four drinks are ordered. I disappear into the kitchen and get the drinks. Now, I leave the kitchen to drop them off at the table. As I walk out I notice some other guests have been seated at another table of mine. I think to myself, I was in the kitchen for at least a couple of minutes so the new people need to be greeted immediately.

Quick stop at the first table. Drop off the drinks and say, "I'll be right back to take your order."

Greet the second table. "Hi, welcome to Outback. Yadda, yadda yadda."

Return to the first table to get the guests orders. Bend down to one knee. It's been just a couple of minutes since I dropped the drinks off. I ask the ladies for their order first.

Okay, I've got the first order down. Taking the second order.

Slurp. Slurp. Gargle. Slurp. "What the heck," I think to myself.

Out of the corner of my eye, the guy sitting next to the lady who is giving me her order is leaning across the table with glass in hand. His drink is completely empty. I know this because he is sucking so hard on his straw that the glass is making that obnoxious gargling noise that echoes in the glass when the drink is gone.

He's starring right at me and totally ignoring the fact that his wife or girlfriend is giving me her order. Instead of using English to communicate his desire for a refill he has opted to gesture and suck on his straw until he gets my attention.

"Mam, just one moment please," I say politely. I turn to the guy and look him straight in the eyes and say, "My mom says when the straw starts to make that noise it's time to stop sucking on it. I'll get you a refill as soon as I'm done taking the rest of the orders for your table."

Everyone erupted in laughter at him and I could tell by his reaction that he felt at least in a small part like the idiot he was acting.