On March 26, 2007 my co-worker Robert's life dramatically changed unexpectedly.
That evening while at work, waiting to leave for a dinner meeting, Robert suffered a seizure. By God's grace, I was at the office. I had been procrastinating for as long as possible to go to the same dinner meeting.
With five minutes remaining to be at the restaurant, I realized there was no more time to wait. I stepped into Robert's office and found him unconscious. I dialed 911 and was the beginning of a long chain of events that saved his life. What impacted me the most was God did everything but physically restrain me to be at the right place and time. I know I was there because that was God's desire for me at that time.
Brain cancer was diagnosed as the cause for the seizures. Robert immediately went into treatment.
On May 28, 2009 Robert's life ended peacefully while on a beach vacation with his family.
During the past two years, I was eager to see how God's divine plan would unfold in his family's life. Obviously, it was not God's intention for Robert to die alone, unconscious and on the office floor. So what was God's plan for Robert?
During those two years I had the opportunity to know Robert and his wife LeAnn more than I would have otherwise been able. I marveled at their faith in God and on more than one occasion said their marriage was a ministry to other married couples.
Life isn't always easy. It's not always difficult either, but when we say "I do," at the alter in front of our future spouse, minister, family and friends I think we sometimes don't remember the "in good times and bad times."
We dream of an idealistic life full of blessings. But life's dreams don't always come true. Some are never realized, and others aren't realized in our own time.
I know Robert never dreamed of being diagnosed with cancer or dying at 50 and leaving his wife and young children any more than I dream of losing my wife to an awful disease. But God is always in control and there is comfort in knowing there is a plan for all of our good and bad experiences in life.
LeAnn turned to this scripture in her most recent blog regarding Robert's condition: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" James 1:2-4
Even when Robert suffered a stroke in February and was partially paralyzed, his family never lost sight in God's control over their lives; never gave up in God's limitless power. In fact, they viewed the stroke as God's way of healing Robert. What an amazing testament of faith!
"I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps." Jeremiah 10: 23
Faith is believing in something unseen and otherwise unprovable. I am amazed by the faith of Robert's family during the past two years. Their faith in God never wavered. Marriages have collapsed and people's faith has been lost over much less trials and tribulations, and yet Robert's family maintained faith in God's plan.
Faith and hope, however, aren't necessarily the same. I know thousands of fervent prayers were sent to God's ears during the past two years on Robert's behalf. Thousands of prayers are sent every hour from God's creation to his abode pleading for his divine intercession in life.
We hope for so many things in life from trivial things to miraculous healing. Some of our hopes are realized. Others are not. And eventually we all reach a point in our lives when there are no more tomorrows.
You see, with 20/20 hindsight, I don't believe God had any spectacular plans for Robert after his seizures. At least, none that people in far-off countries will ever know. No biographies will be written about him. His life has slipped into eternity without world-wide notoriety.
However, how many times has someone died unexpectedly and you wished you could have said something to that person? Certainly, without his trials and tribulations during the past couple of years no one would have had the opportunity to say how much of a positive impact Robert had in their lives. For those people closest to Robert and LeAnn, they are an amazing testament to maintain faith in God even when our hopes aren't answered in the way we want.
Why did God spare Robert's life two years ago?
For one, Robert beat the survival rate statistics and because of people like him trial drug treatments for his type cancer are now approved by the FDA and will help save or prolong the lives of other people.
But more importantly, I believe it was to allow his family and friends to adjust to the unexpected. It was to give us the opportunity to say how positive an impact he had in our lives. Looking back, I believe his seizure in February was a signal that Robert's time was near. And by the time he was on that beach vacation surrounded by his family last week, I know Robert found ever-lasting peace when he slipped from our hands into the Lord's hands. I hope his family and friends are comforted not only by knowing Robert's final destination, but also by the time we had with him.
Robert, we will miss you dearly. But we will see each other again soon.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
Live with the End in Mind - part two
We were sitting in the hospital room surrounding the bed with my grandfather's covered body.
We were in mourning. Crying. Heads hung low.
After nearly a month in the hospital, my grandfather's heart and body finally succumbed to death. We were simply waiting for the doctors to come and take his body from the room.
Instead, a doctor came in and asked, "What are you doing in here?"
"We're here waiting for someone to take his body away," someone replied.
"Oh, haven't you been told," asked the doctor. "That's not his body. He's been taken somewhere else and has been given a new body. Don't worry."
We were shocked and in disbelief. We didn't understand what the doctor was saying. Didn't he know we were in the room and watched my grandfather die with our own eyes?
And then, I awoke. It was just a dream, but the reality hadn't changed. My grandfather had died a few weeks beforehand.
In another dream, I was at my grandparents house. Several friends and family were there to fellowship after my grandfather's funeral. There were several people in my grandparents bedroom.
As I was walking toward the bedroom I bumped into my grandfather.
"What are you doing here," I asked in shock.
He just grabbed me and gave me a huge hug. "I've missed you so much," I said as a wave of emotion came over me. His arms felt so real as they wrapped around my back.
"My too," he said. "But don't worry. I'm okay. I'm in a really good place and I have a new body that doesn't get tired and I don't have any heart problems. Everything is fine."
And again, I awoke with the intense feeling of having just seen my grandfather. Both dreams were so real that I believe them to be the last memories I have of him.
As a result of those dreams, I confess I always wondered if I would have a similar dream when my grandmother passed away. I kept my curiosity private and never shared it with anyone. It seems kind of corny, I'm sure. But these were some of my most personal thoughts. What happens after we die? What is Heaven like?
After my wife and I returned from Memphis visiting my grandmother - knowing she was in her last hours - we collapsed from exhaustion and went to bed.
The telephone rang. It was shortly after mid-night on Monday morning.
"Hello."
"Hey, it's mom. I just wanted you to know that Granny died about an hour ago. She began to struggle breathing at about 11 p.m."
My mom proceeded to tell me my great aunt and a hospice nurse had been there when my grandmother died. Otherwise, it was a short conversation. I was exhausted and said good-bye.
I laid in bed thinking. Without consciously realizing, I fell into a deep sleep.
I was in my grandmother's bedroom. She lay on the bed with my mom laying in the bed next to her. The hospice nurse was sitting next to the bed and my great aunt was near the bedroom door.
Suddenly, an angel entered the room. My grandmother, who for days was laying unconscious, awoke. But as she awakened, her body remained and her spirit rose separate from the body. The angel stretched out his arm and my grandmother took his hand.
My grandmother followed the angel toward the bedroom door. With each step they took, a bright light became increasingly brighter. Something told me to follow them. With each step I took, the light increased in brightness to the point of being nearly blinding.
Just when the light's intensity seemed as though it could become no brighter, I found myself standing on top of a cliff overlooking a vast city. I wasn't alone. An unseen guide was with me.
As I panned to my right, I noticed a large mountain. The city expanded as far as I could see and hugged the foot of the mountain. There was a bright light on top of the mountain that was the source of light for the entire city and world before me. It appeared, as I looked closer, that I could see someone in the middle of the light. There were angels in the sky surrounding the source of light. People were standing as close as they could to the person who emitted the light.
"That is God," said my host as though he could read my mind.
It was revealed to me that God's light is a part of Him and since His light was everywhere in Heaven, then so was He. His light repelled the possibility of temptation against His will and thus there was no sin in His prescience.
I stood in awe, but didn't fully comprehend what was happening. I didn't even realize I was asleep.
"I want to show you something," said my guide.
We turned to the left away from the mountain view toward the city below us. We focused on a point in the city, as though adjusting the lens of a camera. Once it was in focus, we were there. The movement was so fast that we hardly felt the motion.
We were on a street in the city. In front of us was the angel and my grandmother walking hand-in-hand. They were approaching a building and door. The door flew open before they reached the steps to the building.
As the door opened, my grandfather stepped outside with his hands in the air and a large smile on his face. My grandmother's expression was still of confusion as she didn't understand exactly what was happening.
"I'm so glad you are here," exclaimed my grandfather with obvious joy.
One thing I understood at this point was they were no longer married - but still connected through friendship and the bond they shared on earth. At least, that's why my grandmother was escorted to see my grandfather first.
"Come on in. I've got so much to show you," said my grandfather.
I wondered if it was okay to follow and was assured that I could.
We walked into the house. While the house was designed with similar characteristics as those here, such as doors with door knobs, it didn't mean they were necessary design characteristics. Our bodies in heaven have different abilities than the ones we are using now. A doorknob, for example may exist in heaven but really only for us to recognize and not really to serve a critical purpose.
As my grandfather gave a tour of they house, I noticed through a window that the mountain top with God was visible. His light lit the house so there was no electricity or such amenity because it wasn't necessary in God's presence.
My grandfather rattled on about the projects he wanted to do. "There's so much I want to get done, but I've only been here for a few years," he said.
In fact, I understood in Heaven there is perpetual light and never darkness. Our bodies never grow weary and don't need rest. Even though the expanse of heaven is hard to comprehend and it'd take days to walk from one point to another, there is no day and night. Therefore, there is no circadian cycle for our bodies to become accustomed with. We never sleep or become tired. If we want to walk a long distance then we just walk there. Time has lost it's power in God's presence.
My grandparents found themselves in the kitchen after the nickle tour. I stood in the room and desperately wanted to say something, but my guide admonished me saying they could not see or hear me.
"I bet you're hungry," said my grandfather.
My grandmother sat down in a chair. She thought for a minute and then she realized how long it had been since she last ate. "I actually am kind of hungry," she replied.
"This isn't the same as what we had back there, but this is really good," said my grandfather as he prepared some food which I understood was provided by God.
At this point, my guide said we needed to leave. In a flash we found ourselves at the cliff's edge again. It finally occurred to me exactly what was happening. I was being shown the events as they occurred after my grandmother's death. I was seeing heaven. Upon this realization, I wanted to stay and know more.
"My grandmother died an hour or so ago, but we just now witnessed her being introduced to my grandfather, what happened in the interim," I asked.
"That is not part of what I can show you," explained my guide.
"But if this is really to show my what happens after death, then please let me see where my grandmother went before we saw her," I pleaded.
After a moment, my guide said it was okay to reveal that to me but we must be quick. We moved again so fast we couldn't even feel the motion. Before I knew it, I was standing in a large room with a high-vaulted ceiling. There was a crowd of people waiting and confused. The newly deceased.
In front of them was a chair - vacant. To each side stood angels as sentries keeping an eye on the people. The recently deceased were waiting, as I understood, for judgement. Christ, who sits on the chair, had left briefly so I could see the room.
"Before anyone can go to where we just were, they must come through here," explained my guide. "Not all make it through unfortunately. Now that your request has been fulfilled, you must leave."
We were back at the cliff's edge overlooking the city. I felt an immense feeling within me and understood what was happening and felt extremely blessed to have this revealed to me.
"Please, just one more thing," I asked.
My guide's patience was wearing thin. But before he could say something, I said, "Surely if this is what I think it is, and I am seeing heaven and will return to my other life then it seems as though it would be selfish of me to have my prayer answered but not go back with something for someone else too. I mean this is such a unique blessing, please let me at least see my wife's grandparents so I can tell her they are okay."
After a few minutes, the guide responded that," since this request was asked unselfishly and you are thinking of someone besides yourself, then this request will be granted," said my guide. I understood that God on the mountain was aware of my presence in heaven and it was only because of his will I was allowed to have my request granted.
Once again like a camera lens focusing on something in the distance, we zoomed in on a location. We stood in front of a store believe it or not. It was actually a hardware store. Customers were entering and leaving carrying only what they could in their arms.
We entered and I saw my wife's grandfather. He owned the store, which I found very interesting since he had owned a similar store in Colombia while alive.
He understood I was his granddaughter's husband and smiled. "Please tell her that I am okay," he said.
In a flash, we had moved again and were now in another place. I saw a lady who was Claudia's grandmother. She looked at me and smiled with the understanding I was her granddaughter's husband and was here to take a message back to her.
She patted me on the shoulder. "Don't worry. I'm completely happy," she said.
Our conversation was very brief as my time was running out.
My eyes opened. I was laying in bed next to my wife. She was awake.
"Are you okay," she asked. "You made a really strange noise that I've never heard before so I tried to wake you."
"I'm okay," I said and proceeded to tell her what had just happened. She, and I especially, was in awe. I didn't know what to think or how to comprehend what had happened. My wife had to convince me that I had been asleep because to me the experience was so real and hadn't felt like a dream at all.
"What was that," I asked myself. "If this was more than a dream, surely God will provide a way for me to tell the difference."
I recalled the first part of the vision when I was in my grandmother's room. I had seen where my mom, hospice nurse and great aunt had been positioned. If, in fact they had been in the same position in real life, then at least for me the answer regarding the origin of my experience would be settled.
The next morning I called my mom. I asked her where everyone was in the room when my grandmother had died. Believe it or not, according to her they were in the same location in real life as they had been in my vision.
Nothing I have ever experienced has provided me with more contentment and a better perspective on life than the night my grandmother died.
We were in mourning. Crying. Heads hung low.
After nearly a month in the hospital, my grandfather's heart and body finally succumbed to death. We were simply waiting for the doctors to come and take his body from the room.
Instead, a doctor came in and asked, "What are you doing in here?"
"We're here waiting for someone to take his body away," someone replied.
"Oh, haven't you been told," asked the doctor. "That's not his body. He's been taken somewhere else and has been given a new body. Don't worry."
We were shocked and in disbelief. We didn't understand what the doctor was saying. Didn't he know we were in the room and watched my grandfather die with our own eyes?
And then, I awoke. It was just a dream, but the reality hadn't changed. My grandfather had died a few weeks beforehand.
In another dream, I was at my grandparents house. Several friends and family were there to fellowship after my grandfather's funeral. There were several people in my grandparents bedroom.
As I was walking toward the bedroom I bumped into my grandfather.
"What are you doing here," I asked in shock.
He just grabbed me and gave me a huge hug. "I've missed you so much," I said as a wave of emotion came over me. His arms felt so real as they wrapped around my back.
"My too," he said. "But don't worry. I'm okay. I'm in a really good place and I have a new body that doesn't get tired and I don't have any heart problems. Everything is fine."
And again, I awoke with the intense feeling of having just seen my grandfather. Both dreams were so real that I believe them to be the last memories I have of him.
As a result of those dreams, I confess I always wondered if I would have a similar dream when my grandmother passed away. I kept my curiosity private and never shared it with anyone. It seems kind of corny, I'm sure. But these were some of my most personal thoughts. What happens after we die? What is Heaven like?
After my wife and I returned from Memphis visiting my grandmother - knowing she was in her last hours - we collapsed from exhaustion and went to bed.
The telephone rang. It was shortly after mid-night on Monday morning.
"Hello."
"Hey, it's mom. I just wanted you to know that Granny died about an hour ago. She began to struggle breathing at about 11 p.m."
My mom proceeded to tell me my great aunt and a hospice nurse had been there when my grandmother died. Otherwise, it was a short conversation. I was exhausted and said good-bye.
I laid in bed thinking. Without consciously realizing, I fell into a deep sleep.
I was in my grandmother's bedroom. She lay on the bed with my mom laying in the bed next to her. The hospice nurse was sitting next to the bed and my great aunt was near the bedroom door.
Suddenly, an angel entered the room. My grandmother, who for days was laying unconscious, awoke. But as she awakened, her body remained and her spirit rose separate from the body. The angel stretched out his arm and my grandmother took his hand.
My grandmother followed the angel toward the bedroom door. With each step they took, a bright light became increasingly brighter. Something told me to follow them. With each step I took, the light increased in brightness to the point of being nearly blinding.
Just when the light's intensity seemed as though it could become no brighter, I found myself standing on top of a cliff overlooking a vast city. I wasn't alone. An unseen guide was with me.
As I panned to my right, I noticed a large mountain. The city expanded as far as I could see and hugged the foot of the mountain. There was a bright light on top of the mountain that was the source of light for the entire city and world before me. It appeared, as I looked closer, that I could see someone in the middle of the light. There were angels in the sky surrounding the source of light. People were standing as close as they could to the person who emitted the light.
"That is God," said my host as though he could read my mind.
It was revealed to me that God's light is a part of Him and since His light was everywhere in Heaven, then so was He. His light repelled the possibility of temptation against His will and thus there was no sin in His prescience.
I stood in awe, but didn't fully comprehend what was happening. I didn't even realize I was asleep.
"I want to show you something," said my guide.
We turned to the left away from the mountain view toward the city below us. We focused on a point in the city, as though adjusting the lens of a camera. Once it was in focus, we were there. The movement was so fast that we hardly felt the motion.
We were on a street in the city. In front of us was the angel and my grandmother walking hand-in-hand. They were approaching a building and door. The door flew open before they reached the steps to the building.
As the door opened, my grandfather stepped outside with his hands in the air and a large smile on his face. My grandmother's expression was still of confusion as she didn't understand exactly what was happening.
"I'm so glad you are here," exclaimed my grandfather with obvious joy.
One thing I understood at this point was they were no longer married - but still connected through friendship and the bond they shared on earth. At least, that's why my grandmother was escorted to see my grandfather first.
"Come on in. I've got so much to show you," said my grandfather.
I wondered if it was okay to follow and was assured that I could.
We walked into the house. While the house was designed with similar characteristics as those here, such as doors with door knobs, it didn't mean they were necessary design characteristics. Our bodies in heaven have different abilities than the ones we are using now. A doorknob, for example may exist in heaven but really only for us to recognize and not really to serve a critical purpose.
As my grandfather gave a tour of they house, I noticed through a window that the mountain top with God was visible. His light lit the house so there was no electricity or such amenity because it wasn't necessary in God's presence.
My grandfather rattled on about the projects he wanted to do. "There's so much I want to get done, but I've only been here for a few years," he said.
In fact, I understood in Heaven there is perpetual light and never darkness. Our bodies never grow weary and don't need rest. Even though the expanse of heaven is hard to comprehend and it'd take days to walk from one point to another, there is no day and night. Therefore, there is no circadian cycle for our bodies to become accustomed with. We never sleep or become tired. If we want to walk a long distance then we just walk there. Time has lost it's power in God's presence.
My grandparents found themselves in the kitchen after the nickle tour. I stood in the room and desperately wanted to say something, but my guide admonished me saying they could not see or hear me.
"I bet you're hungry," said my grandfather.
My grandmother sat down in a chair. She thought for a minute and then she realized how long it had been since she last ate. "I actually am kind of hungry," she replied.
"This isn't the same as what we had back there, but this is really good," said my grandfather as he prepared some food which I understood was provided by God.
At this point, my guide said we needed to leave. In a flash we found ourselves at the cliff's edge again. It finally occurred to me exactly what was happening. I was being shown the events as they occurred after my grandmother's death. I was seeing heaven. Upon this realization, I wanted to stay and know more.
"My grandmother died an hour or so ago, but we just now witnessed her being introduced to my grandfather, what happened in the interim," I asked.
"That is not part of what I can show you," explained my guide.
"But if this is really to show my what happens after death, then please let me see where my grandmother went before we saw her," I pleaded.
After a moment, my guide said it was okay to reveal that to me but we must be quick. We moved again so fast we couldn't even feel the motion. Before I knew it, I was standing in a large room with a high-vaulted ceiling. There was a crowd of people waiting and confused. The newly deceased.
In front of them was a chair - vacant. To each side stood angels as sentries keeping an eye on the people. The recently deceased were waiting, as I understood, for judgement. Christ, who sits on the chair, had left briefly so I could see the room.
"Before anyone can go to where we just were, they must come through here," explained my guide. "Not all make it through unfortunately. Now that your request has been fulfilled, you must leave."
We were back at the cliff's edge overlooking the city. I felt an immense feeling within me and understood what was happening and felt extremely blessed to have this revealed to me.
"Please, just one more thing," I asked.
My guide's patience was wearing thin. But before he could say something, I said, "Surely if this is what I think it is, and I am seeing heaven and will return to my other life then it seems as though it would be selfish of me to have my prayer answered but not go back with something for someone else too. I mean this is such a unique blessing, please let me at least see my wife's grandparents so I can tell her they are okay."
After a few minutes, the guide responded that," since this request was asked unselfishly and you are thinking of someone besides yourself, then this request will be granted," said my guide. I understood that God on the mountain was aware of my presence in heaven and it was only because of his will I was allowed to have my request granted.
Once again like a camera lens focusing on something in the distance, we zoomed in on a location. We stood in front of a store believe it or not. It was actually a hardware store. Customers were entering and leaving carrying only what they could in their arms.
We entered and I saw my wife's grandfather. He owned the store, which I found very interesting since he had owned a similar store in Colombia while alive.
He understood I was his granddaughter's husband and smiled. "Please tell her that I am okay," he said.
In a flash, we had moved again and were now in another place. I saw a lady who was Claudia's grandmother. She looked at me and smiled with the understanding I was her granddaughter's husband and was here to take a message back to her.
She patted me on the shoulder. "Don't worry. I'm completely happy," she said.
Our conversation was very brief as my time was running out.
My eyes opened. I was laying in bed next to my wife. She was awake.
"Are you okay," she asked. "You made a really strange noise that I've never heard before so I tried to wake you."
"I'm okay," I said and proceeded to tell her what had just happened. She, and I especially, was in awe. I didn't know what to think or how to comprehend what had happened. My wife had to convince me that I had been asleep because to me the experience was so real and hadn't felt like a dream at all.
"What was that," I asked myself. "If this was more than a dream, surely God will provide a way for me to tell the difference."
I recalled the first part of the vision when I was in my grandmother's room. I had seen where my mom, hospice nurse and great aunt had been positioned. If, in fact they had been in the same position in real life, then at least for me the answer regarding the origin of my experience would be settled.
The next morning I called my mom. I asked her where everyone was in the room when my grandmother had died. Believe it or not, according to her they were in the same location in real life as they had been in my vision.
Nothing I have ever experienced has provided me with more contentment and a better perspective on life than the night my grandmother died.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Live with the End in Mind - part one
One evening in spring 2006 I received a phone call from a close family member saying my grandmother had been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer.
I didn't know what the Pancreas did, much less understood how serious was the diagnosis.
My grandmother and grandfather were two of the most influential people in my life. My grandfather had died a few years earlier, and my grandmother was just beginning to come out of mourning.
She had taken a computer course and was looking forward to spring time flowers blooming. Had she lived longer, she may not have acted on any of the plans she was speaking about at the time, but just speaking of plans was a great signal that she had begun to emotionally turn a corner.
Pancreatic Cancer progresses fast. We enjoyed almost one year after diagnosis. Some people only have a few days, depending on the stage the cancer is discovered.
I knew death was not going to be an easy process for my grandmother. For years she didn't want to acknowledge the reality that death is part of life.
Approximately one month before my grandmother's death, I had the opportunity to stay with her overnight during her last hospital visit. We had the opportunity to talk by ourselves.
"Are you afraid," I asked.
"That's a difficult question to answer," she said after a few introspective moments. "It just seems that after all the prayers from family and friends, this has continued to progress worse and worse."
I told her that part of God's plan sometimes meant not answering our prayers with what we expected. "Don't worry," I said. "Remember, Christ came onto Earth and experienced all the things we have. He understands how it feels to not have your prayers answered. Remember, he was in the garden of Gethsemane and prayed for God to use a different plan if it was his will and avoid dying on the Cross. So, Jesus understands what it feels like to prayer so hard for something and have the outcome be something you don't necessarily want. He isn't going to hold it against you if you are disappointed."
A month later the cancer had progressed to the point that my grandmother's body had begun to shut down. The last weekend she was alive she was comatose. She didn't open her eyes, eat, or move. She simply laid in the bed as the hours ticked-tocked by.
My grandmother denied the inevitability of death her entire life. She never wanted to talk about death. She never wanted to acknowledge that some day either she or my grandfather would die and the other would remain alone.
I understood how difficult it must have been for my grandmother to face her mortality. It is something we all must face. Our lives are like a flash of lightening that barely leaves a mark on this earth.
During that last weekend, each time I visited with my grandmother I wanted our conversation to help make the transition and death easier for her. I felt a responsibility to try and prepare my grandmother as best I could. Thankfully, the words and ideas came to me and helped me through this difficult experience also.
"Granny, what are you still doing here," I asked. Other times I would hold her hand, "Granny, I don't want you to be afraid. Soon an angel is going to come and take you to Heaven. Don't worry. Go with him. Soon you will be in Heaven and get to visit with Grandfather and all your friends and family who have gone before."
As I spoke, my grandmother's facial expression changed. She would purse her lips and frown. You could tell she understood what was being said and it was hard for her to hear it spoken. On a couple of occasions she opened her eyes and looked at me. A few times when I was going to leave and let her hand go, she would try to grasp it and hold it tighter. My aunt witnessed her doing this once and remarked that she hadn't done that for anyone else.
Our last conversations - really it was just me doing all the talking and she was doing all the listening - centered around the transition and helping her feel comfortable to let go when the time came.
"If you want to stay, that's fine. But if you have to leave before I come back then don't worry about me or anyone else. We're going to be just fine," I told her.
On Sunday, my wife and I returned to our home knowing the end was near. My grandmother and I had our last conversation. But since I was surprised she had lived during the whole weekend, who knew when God would decide to call for her?
I didn't know what the Pancreas did, much less understood how serious was the diagnosis.
My grandmother and grandfather were two of the most influential people in my life. My grandfather had died a few years earlier, and my grandmother was just beginning to come out of mourning.
She had taken a computer course and was looking forward to spring time flowers blooming. Had she lived longer, she may not have acted on any of the plans she was speaking about at the time, but just speaking of plans was a great signal that she had begun to emotionally turn a corner.
Pancreatic Cancer progresses fast. We enjoyed almost one year after diagnosis. Some people only have a few days, depending on the stage the cancer is discovered.
I knew death was not going to be an easy process for my grandmother. For years she didn't want to acknowledge the reality that death is part of life.
Approximately one month before my grandmother's death, I had the opportunity to stay with her overnight during her last hospital visit. We had the opportunity to talk by ourselves.
"Are you afraid," I asked.
"That's a difficult question to answer," she said after a few introspective moments. "It just seems that after all the prayers from family and friends, this has continued to progress worse and worse."
I told her that part of God's plan sometimes meant not answering our prayers with what we expected. "Don't worry," I said. "Remember, Christ came onto Earth and experienced all the things we have. He understands how it feels to not have your prayers answered. Remember, he was in the garden of Gethsemane and prayed for God to use a different plan if it was his will and avoid dying on the Cross. So, Jesus understands what it feels like to prayer so hard for something and have the outcome be something you don't necessarily want. He isn't going to hold it against you if you are disappointed."
A month later the cancer had progressed to the point that my grandmother's body had begun to shut down. The last weekend she was alive she was comatose. She didn't open her eyes, eat, or move. She simply laid in the bed as the hours ticked-tocked by.
My grandmother denied the inevitability of death her entire life. She never wanted to talk about death. She never wanted to acknowledge that some day either she or my grandfather would die and the other would remain alone.
I understood how difficult it must have been for my grandmother to face her mortality. It is something we all must face. Our lives are like a flash of lightening that barely leaves a mark on this earth.
During that last weekend, each time I visited with my grandmother I wanted our conversation to help make the transition and death easier for her. I felt a responsibility to try and prepare my grandmother as best I could. Thankfully, the words and ideas came to me and helped me through this difficult experience also.
"Granny, what are you still doing here," I asked. Other times I would hold her hand, "Granny, I don't want you to be afraid. Soon an angel is going to come and take you to Heaven. Don't worry. Go with him. Soon you will be in Heaven and get to visit with Grandfather and all your friends and family who have gone before."
As I spoke, my grandmother's facial expression changed. She would purse her lips and frown. You could tell she understood what was being said and it was hard for her to hear it spoken. On a couple of occasions she opened her eyes and looked at me. A few times when I was going to leave and let her hand go, she would try to grasp it and hold it tighter. My aunt witnessed her doing this once and remarked that she hadn't done that for anyone else.
Our last conversations - really it was just me doing all the talking and she was doing all the listening - centered around the transition and helping her feel comfortable to let go when the time came.
"If you want to stay, that's fine. But if you have to leave before I come back then don't worry about me or anyone else. We're going to be just fine," I told her.
On Sunday, my wife and I returned to our home knowing the end was near. My grandmother and I had our last conversation. But since I was surprised she had lived during the whole weekend, who knew when God would decide to call for her?
to be continued...
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